The Soothing Ocean

I love the ocean. I feel so happy there. The weather could be hot or chilly but I feel happy to see the sand and waves. I love the feel of the cold water too. I go too far in it sometimes. The ocean is soothing and the sound of the waves is like a metronome that isn't steady, but never stops. I remember loving the ocean since I was a baby. I'd run to the water as fast as I could. My family would have to hold me back or I'd go in even in my clothes. It is like a magnet, in a way.

When I go to the tidepools, I can resist the waves because the ocean starts past the tidepools filled with anemones and starfish and a rock strewn field. Only kayakers and surfers venture there. Many autistic people love the beach. Our senses have a field day there.

Motor Planning and Autism

Clues into non-verbal autism can be found by observing how we move. It is obvious that moving in certain ways is difficult for us. It is easy to be idle when your body frustrates, but we must fight that. My exercising has helped me a lot, though I am far from my goals. In exercising I struggle with many things, but one of the most challenging is doing different upper and lower body movements at the same time. My body will do one or the other. It takes all my concentration to just do the legwork if the movement is even a little complicated. If you add in arms to my steps, I need to stop my feet. This is an obstacle in sports, as you can imagine. In sports you need to run and catch (or whatever). I can’t do that at all. I run or I catch. Period. If I work out and I march in place and then I have to do arm lifts with hand weights at the same time, my brain sort of thinks, “huh?”

The ability to do different actions, arms and legs, is something most people take for granted. It is very frustrating to fight your body the way we do. Some people with autism are frail. Some are soft. But we all need to work on our movements and muscle development. In autism it is the disconnect between our intentions and movements that is so challenging.

Missing My Grandmother

I miss my Oma. I think about how many lives she touched. She was like a good-natured, kind-hearted soul. Many times I observed her having the bravery to face hard circumstances after injuries or operations. It impressed me how hard she fought to recover and how positive she acted throughout her struggles. That isn’t easy. No one is perfect. I don’t mean to imply that she had no flaws, but she was, in my opinion, tremendously courageous. She understood what was important; family, good food, a nice view, friends. She loved babies and dogs and they loved her too. My german shepherd is shy and takes her time trusting people, but she always loved my grandmother and stayed faithfully by her side whenever she visited.

My grandmother is in a peaceful place now. I hope she will never again have fear, pain, or war. She has borne more than her share of all three, but she had the grace to smile and love despite the challenges. I have learned much from her example.

My Response to a Study that Claims Autistic People Lack the Ability to Believe in God

It is pointless to get angry at an article like this which so inaccurately characterizes my life. My ability to “mentalize” is intact. More than that, my relationship with God is profound and fulfilling. In my life, I talk to God throughout the day. He hears my silent prayers and gives me a place to hope.

I think this study is biased. How many non-verbal autistic people did they interview? My guess is none. I think our answers may be totally different than those of the people they interviewed.

It is my theory that researchers of autism from the University of British Columbia have difficulty “mentalizing” how life is for a non-verbal autistic person, so they make a statement that minimizes our deep and rich inner world and call it a study. The majority of people with non-verbal autism can’t communicate well enough to refute these claims, but their inability to communicate isn’t proof of a lack of “mentalizing”. I know that this is an uphill battle; still we have to keep fighting to tell the truth.

Here is one of my past essays on theological themes.

"French Autistic Kids Mostly Get Psychotherapy"

The idea of treating autism as a mental illness is incredible. I somehow intuit that Bettelheim's influence is at work in France where they still treat autism with psychotherapy. I don't think much progress will be made though by emphasizing the wrong treatment. That being said, I did see a therapist when I was twelve, but she didn't treat my autism. She helped me to accept myself with autism because I was getting so sad about my limitations. However, in no way could she have cured me of my neurological issues. Anyway, this is my insider's point-of-view.

Rest in Peace, Oma

My beautiful, wonderful grandmother died last weekend. She was, in the end, in a sort of cancer existence. The illness was eating her inside. She lost her ability to speak to others. She lost her ability to walk. She lost the ability to hold up her body. She lost her ability to eat food with texture. Being so helpless, she was graced with caretakers who were kind, hard-working, and loving. She was blessed with steady visits from family, who never resented the extra work.

I was observing this in my usual way. Relatives visited her often. She did the best she could to still be loving. I watched my mom sit near her bed and hold her hand. My grandmother swung their hands. She smiled, and smiled, and smiled.

Who wants to smile in her situation? She smiled to be encouraging to her visitors who showed calmness on the outside. She smiled, too, because she saw how devoted her children, and grandchildren were. She was not alone.

My grandmother had a lot of alone in her life. An orphaned child sent to a strange land, she had to endure a lot. Why is it that despite her hard life she smiled, and laughed, and courageously faced her challenges? I see many people who face less and complain constantly. My beautiful grandmother chose to give life her all and not waste it in self pity. Her legacy speaks for itself. She smiled until she couldn’t anymore.

Now she is with God and I hope her parents are happy to embrace her once again. Their souls are reunited, and I am happy they are.

Rest in peace, my lovely, wonderful Oma. I love you.

The Mind Body Connection, and Exercise

This morning I was edgy. My electrical currents were coursing through me. In Autismland that means either do stims or temper. It is a stressful time for me and it is hard to be calm, but I can’t freak out just because I’m stressed. This is what my family did to help me: first I worked out with weights. I complained non-stop. Then my mom insisted I go on the treadmill. I lasted fifty minutes including running on and off. It is amazing. I feel normal now. 

This summer we have decided to concentrate on fitness because my body needs to listen to my brain better. If I could have a trainer every day, how would I improve? I wish I could do that, but we have to work out even without a trainer because it is important that autistic people wake their mind/body connection. It is not do-able if the person is not using his body in exercise ever.

I recently hiked with many autistic people. It was short. Maybe a mile, but it had a hill at the start. I saw many turn back after five minutes. They were not used to moving enough. My new goal is to get fit this summer and see if it helps my brain too.