To a person without a disability it must be hard to imagine
life with one. I think it is hard to imagine having a disability even for a few
hours, so it is much more difficult to imagine living with severe limitations
life long. I have not lived one day without autism. It is hard to imagine my
life without it because I’m part of autism and it is in me. My mind is intact. My
soul is free, but my body is the property of something else. This “else thing”
is called autism. It looks like this: weird body movements, noises, lack of
responding at times, a mask of flat expression on my face, impulse problems,
and an overly sensitive sensory system, which is why I sometimes wear
headphones.
But perhaps more difficult than all of the above, is the
attitude of others. It is obvious by my actions that I’m not smart, right? OK,
not right. But you know my limitations make me appear not smart at times, and then people assume. It’s not so bad
now because I type on an iPad , so it is obvious that I think and read, but I still
need to prove myself to each person I meet. This is life with a disability like
mine. People don’t know or understand, and there are a lot of misconceptions.
It is more lonely to be autistic than not, especially for
people who can’t communicate. I have an exercise for you. Imagine that though
you think just fine your mouth is unable to speak your thoughts. This means no
phone conversations, no singing, no long talks (or short ones), no calling your
dog, no telling people your ideas, how you feel, or your needs. In other words,
very quiet and very stuck. You listen all the time to the conversations of
others, but you can’t join in. Ever. Not for an hour, but forever. Now imagine
that your hand is wobbly and doesn’t obey your thoughts either, so the option
of writing is gone. That is isolation.
Now it gets tougher. Your body doesn’t stop doing odd
movements. You behave oddly because of that. Now you have a taste of autism. But
I think one more taste will help you get it. Imagine all this, and put yourself
as a kid into school with others like yourself and see yourself in a class doing the same
boring lessons day after day, year after year, such as the days of the week,
the weather, the ABCs, the 1+1s, all because your outside has fooled people
into concluding you are dumb. Then the school tells your parents you don’t understand.
So now you know about my early life. I was lucky to escape
my internal isolation because I was taught how to communicate, first on a
letter board and now on an iPad. This enabled me to leave my special education environment
and enter a general education one. My old classmates still remain in the same
special education class. None have been taught to communicate yet.
In autism we are thought to be limited rather than trapped. I
think the number of so-called mentally retarded autistic people is greatly
exaggerated. How smart would you look if you couldn’t talk, gesture, write, or
control your movements? It is a true frustration living like this with society’s
misunderstanding, so I am grateful to begin changing perceptions.
Maybe we can work together to
change the future.
