The struggle for emotional control is always with me. I try to meet the world on its terms. I need to calm myself to do that. It's not too bad if I feel OK inside. If I don't, Oh boy. I find it is a train that rolls so swiftly that even if the engineer tries to stop it, the momentum keeps moving me onward. Once I stop I feel so embarrassed or sorry.
The triggers can be silly to others. Inside, they are serious.
I get nervous. It overflows. I get stressed. It overflows.
It overflows.
Oh man, do I hate that.
I behave the way people expect autistic people to act when I overflow, so they assume I'm not smart or something. Then I stop trying.
Do you see other autistic people do this too? It sounds silly, but it is common. I think it explains the tantrums some kids have. They tantrum from fear, anxiety or stress, but oh how quickly it becomes anger if people try to stop it with "hands down" or "no" or "all done" to a teenager.
The train is stopped by rules and understanding.
I am an autistic guy with a message. I spent the first half of my life completely trapped in silence. The second - on becoming a free soul. I had to fight to get an education. Now I am a regular education student. I communicate by typing on an iPad or a letter board. My book, "Ido in Autismland" is now available on Amazon. It is an autism diary, telling the story of my symptoms, education, and journey into communication. I hope to help other autistic people find a way out of their silence too.
Don't stop trying, Ido, and keep expressing yourself! Writing about your thought processes and your daily struggle just to function "normally" in this world helps us to better understand you and others like you.
ReplyDeleteIdo, I have a couple of questions. First, what are some ways that you are able to calm yourself when you feel your emotions beginning to bubble up? Second, I was very struck by your comment about being a teenager and still being spoken to like a little boy. It is definitely a common occurrence. I do notice, however, that even some smart teenage boys with autism seek out entertainment (videos, books) that are very young. Do you have any thoughts about that? Possibly topics for future blog posts :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the topics. I'll be in touch too.
ReplyDeleteExercise, walking and cooking shows help me relax.