Dealing with Sorrow

My Oma is very ill now. It is like a waiting game. Cancer is terrible. It destroys people bit by bit. I try to live in a normal way, and at times I forget in the moment about the situation and I’m OK. Then I remember the situation and I immediately become tense and irritable. I think my grandmother is blessed because illness is not the core of her life. It is halting it, but it hasn’t defined her. She is blessed because she is loved and people visit her and comfort her. It is nice to see the relatives treat her with such love. This means she has earned her love, I’m sure, because it is heartfelt, not obligatory. But still I know the time is drawing nearer when we will need to say good-bye. I try to prepare myself because I know I can’t lose control of myself and in autism our emotions take over. It is a big challenge to me to grieve in a normal way and not ride the roller-coaster too fast on an emotional slope downhill. My Oma loved me as I am, and though I know she wished I hadn’t been born with autism, she loved the boy inside and was not stuck on my flapping and my stims. My grandmother is lovely and has shown me how to deal with hardship gracefully. I will miss her lots.