A Great Change

Every morning when I go to school I feel good now. This is like a real blessing because for five months every morning I felt like vomiting before school. I was frightened I might have to spend four years in that tension. Thank God my mom found a woman who helped me transfer into my new school. It was looking like it might not happen and it was scary because I was so miserable in my old school. This counselor did the necessary paperwork and I got in. I am so grateful to her for this. Now I have an opportunity to just learn. My school is smaller and mellower than before. The kids are more respectful of the teachers in class, and my classes are good. The great thing is the school works with my parents to make it succeed for me. They cooperate, meet, discuss, and they are nice too. I had this in middle school and again now, but for the first semester of high school I had the opposite. I can’t understand the reason they were so hostile there. The team really didn’t seem to want things to work out. It is not clear to me why they had attitudes like this. I have to say I get a smile each time I drive by that school now and know I will never go there again. I thank all the folks who made this possible.

A Visit With My Grandma

Today I saw my grandmother. She is not the same woman in a lot of ways because inside her disease is sort of devouring her. She is too weak to walk so she needs a wheelchair to go anywhere. She is tired, like a deep weariness I never saw before. Her spark is not as bright, but it is still there at times. I thought about her being a beloved human being and a genuinely great mom and grand mom. She has overcome overwhelming challenges in her life. I saw how she coped with humor and smiles after operations in the past, but this time it’s much harder. Her illness is advancing. We can’t stop it and her body is too weak to continue fighting all the time. I think and think about how I will cope when she is gone. I know it will be so so so sad. The one thing that gives me happiness is that she is surrounded by loving children and grandchildren. It is lucky to have lots of people who love you. She is deserving of that because people felt loved by her too.

A Request to My Readers

Dear Readers, Recently my book was being considered by a publisher. They loved my writing and were excited about my book. The marketing division decided that I am not well known enough yet. They want to see my number of fans and blog readers increase. If you enjoy my writing and want a chance to learn more about autism in depth from my book, can you help me spread the word about my blog and facebook page to the people you know who would be interested? Thanks, I would be very appreciative.

To Flee or Not to Flee

I love hiking in nature, yet I complain often while I do it. I mean, I complain in my non-talking style. For at least a mile I keep saying, “Go home”, yet I love the trails, the pretty scenery, the trees, the exercise, the pace, and the joy of my dogs. It is weird. I am really happy to be there but if we turned around I would go. Once I’m in a groove, I’m better. I know a guy who mostly leaves places right after arriving. He is overwhelmed and wants to flee. In autism the urge to flee is common. I think many people feel this way, like, “Get me out of here NOW!!”, but in autism we have a harder time ignoring the pressure of the moment. I think many people with autism feel overwhelmed and may try to escape. This is like a panic attack, in my opinion. If I feel relaxed I get no urge to flee. I know many autistic people get overwhelmed in places that are overly stimulating. In hiking it is different because I truly enjoy it. It is almost like a tic or something when I say “go home”, but I am glad my parents insist I walk the entire loop. It is lovely being ignored- ha ha- because my mouth isn’t speaking what I truly want.

Happy and Sad

It is a happy and sad time for me. My new high school is a nice, very caring place. My teachers are better than my old school. My classes are smaller, and it is more easy-going in general, so this part of my life is much, much happier than last semester. I am sad because my grandmother is not well. I don’t visit her now because she is too frail and I don’t control my movements well. I know she is leaving me in the near future, though we never know when, but my heart weeps inside. She is such a lovely soul and she hurts now too much. It is an amazing journey to live a life, and hers makes the world a kinder place. It is life, I guess. Joy and sorrow are always in the wings waiting for us. Sometimes one. Sometimes the other. Sometimes both at once.

Dumbstruck

I had a weird experience recently. I asked a lady who was talking to me as if I was an infant if she could talk to me normally- and she said, "I won't. I talk to all people with autism this way". I was dumbstruck. I never had someone say this to me before. What do you think about this attitude?

If They Were in My Old School

Tomorrow I start over in my high school. I transferred mid-year to a new school. I was very miserable in my old high school. I won’t elaborate now on what happened or why I had to go to have a happy high school experience. I got lucky. Two days before the semester ended my parents were able to get me into a new school. I think it will be a much more welcoming environment.

I wonder how my old high school would have treated Stephen Hawking, or Helen Keller, or Erik Weihenmayer if they had been students there. The first two were communication impaired and required one on one assistance. Helen fingerspelled her ideas into Annie Sullivan’s hand. She was independently thinking, not writing, in her earlier years. Would she have been accused of not doing her own work? Would they have resented her noises and too visible disability? Stephen Hawking is needing a lot of support. Would he be seen as an expensive burden, or worth giving the trained help he needs? Erik Weihenmayer is blind. Who knows? He might hurt himself.

The reason I bring up these three amazing individuals is not to compare myself with them but to imagine how my old high school would have treated them in the years they were different, severely challenged in a big high school environment, but not famous yet. I think it is easy to know the answer. Maybe they would have decided enough is enough like I did.
Onward and upward. It is time to start over.

The Internal Autismland

The frustration of having autism is matched sometimes by the frustration of the parents of an autistic person. It takes so much work, perseverance, and motivation to fight on the bad days or moments when Autismland swallows their child whole. My poor parents say it is remote and far away expressions I make in those times. How I annoy others when I’m in Autismland is a problem.

Choosing to stop or escape is not always possible. My parents or aide have different strategies to pull me back to reality. I exercise or think. They make me do one or both. It helps a lot forcing me to think when my brain is sliding into sensory heaven. It is a struggle between my senses and my mind. If no one helps, my senses usually will dominate when I’m in one of those moments.

Now, I realize I’m no picnic during one of those episodes. The horrible thing is I bug others then, but I don’t change in the way I want because I don’t have the control I need when these episodes occur. Other times I get easy control over myself. It may need lots of training, like sports and music skills. I notice jumping jacks help me reset my mind too. I think the difficulty is the intense OCD aspect. It is hard to resist sometimes. It is scary too to be at the mercy of stims or impulses but I am appreciative when people persevere in helping me regain control of myself and return to Normal-Land.